The Moments We Didn't See
by Jarris Shepard
Summary: one shot chapters that deal with some of the things that might have happened between the scenes of the games. I don't know if it will ever be complete. I'm trying to keep them chronologically ordered as I post. Read and review please I like to know what people think. If you have a request or idea for a moment send me a message or leave it in a review.
1. Uncertainty

I.

Shepard sat in the dark, quiet of her quarters on the new SR2. It had been three weeks since Horizon and Kaidan's letter, only a couple of days since Garrus had tracked down Sidonis. She'd stopped him from killing his former team member. Garrus was angry and giving her a wide berth, and she wasn't in the mood for her normal rounds. With Garrus angry she'd begun thinking on all her old team members and how they'd reacted to her reappearance. She didn't really know what she thought would happen with Kaidan, but she hadn't expected him to attack her verbally. She was angry with herself for her inability to respond to his accusations. She'd just been so unprepared for his reaction.  
'No,' she decided, 'I do know what I expected,' and from the man she loved, who claimed to love her in return Jarris Shepard expected more relief and less aggression. Something more like Garrus' reaction, she realized. Garrus was still not really speaking to her, and when he did he was very curt and to the point. Her thoughts turned toward her closest friend and most trusted ally. He had just accepted that it was her, there in the hideout on Omega, even when she wasn't sure she was herself. He hadn't asked her to prove she was the same Shepard he'd known. Which she was thankful for because she didn't know how to do that even now, weeks later. She felt like herself, but as a clone would she feel different? Wouldn't she feel like herself no matter the circumstances?  
She'd spent countless hours pondering this between the small tasks that The Illusive Man, Cerberus, and the crew were asking of her and gathering supplies for upgrades and the actual upgrades themselves. She still had no answers, and wondered what it was that had Garrus so convinced she was herself. Tali had seemed to accept that she was not a copy, and Shepard understood completely that the duties to her people were now the Quarian's top priority. She even understood Liara's need to find the Shadow Broker was something that could not be put aside after so long searching for him. Hell, even Kaidan's loyalty to the alliance she understood, she just didn't understand how he could be so hateful. She knew that, after the loss of his team, Garrus didn't really have anything else in the works, but why follow her? He could have done any number of things, and he'd chosen to join her crew once more.  
Shepard stood abruptly. "EDI, located Garrus for me." To hell with the fact that he was royally pissed with her for interfering in his plans for the traitorous member of his team, she needed to know why he didn't doubt who she was.  
"Officer Vakarian is in the Main Battery." Said the metallically, cheerful voice.  
"Of course, thanks EDI." The AI logged her out and Shepard made her way down to Garrus' duty station.  
The doors swished open and his back was to her as usual. She waited while he finished the string of numbers he was tweaking and let the doors close behind her.  
"Something you need, Shepard?" He asked without ever having turned to see who'd entered. His voice was not normal, but there was less anger than the last time they'd spoken.  
"How do you do that?" She asked slightly irritated.  
"What?" He was curious as to her odd tone.  
"Know it's me without turning to check the door." She clarified. "How did you know it was me and not some copy that showed up on Omega? No one else seems to be able to tell."  
"Oh, that," he was silent, and she could see him thinking how to answer. "You want the official story or the truth?" He gave her a look that was honest in it's questioning.  
"The truth would be nice."  
He cleared his throat. "We…Turian's…uh," he started hesitantly. Shepard caught the brief panic that flashed across his eyes, and the nervous flutter of his mandibles.  
"I won't bite, Garrus. I just really need to know how you are so sure I'm me." Her voice dropped, became tentative. "How do you know I am now who I was before?" She was staring at the deck plating, and didn't see him shut off the console.  
"Is that what this is all about, Shepard? Are you afraid that Cerberus did something?" He was starting to worry now.  
"I just don't know how I'd know if I'm me or a clone or even a bot with a Shepard VI running." For anyone that didn't have the exceptional hearing of the turian race she would not have been easily heard. "Is Kaidan right?"  
She heard the oath that Garrus let loose in his native tongue. "I'll kill him," he said at last. He took her chin in the fingers of one hand and lifted her gaze to his. "I knew it was you by the way you did, well, everything. There is a specific way that you walk, you favor your left knee, so your hips sway just so. The way you've always rolled your shoulders when bored or have been doing something tedious for too long. The way you pop your knuckles before we get into a battle. The little almost snort at the end of your laugh. You know things that only the real Shepard would know, references to things that happened on the first Normandy, conversations that no one was witness to. Then," he hesitated again, "there's your scent."  
"I smell." She sounded mesmerized looking into the bright blue, alien eyes.  
"Everyone smells, doesn't mean its bad. Turians have amazing olfactory senses, I got familiar with your scent on the original Normandy. All those times the team would hang out in your quarters and play poker, I was surrounded by the pheromones that make you, well, you. I was almost sure from watching you through the scope, and as soon as you entered the room on Omega, I was certain it was you because your scent wasn't any different than before."  
Suddenly, her arms were around him and she'd thrown herself against him. She hadn't noticed before that he was out of armor, and she kinda liked that she could hug him with out the bulky gear in her way. She'd wanted to hug him since he'd removed the helmet on Omega. "Thank you, Garrus." She buried her face against him and he felt her shaking with emotion. Garrus was a little nonplused for a moment, but wrapped her in his arms and let her hold on as long as she needed.  
"Any time, Shepard." He lay the uninjured side of his face atop her head and breathed in that unique scent that had convinced him irrevocably that she was the Shepard he'd thought lost forever. "Shepard," he hesitated to bring this up, but knew that he needed to clear the air.  
"What is it?" She still had her face pressed to him and he could feel the moist warmth of her breath as she spoke.  
"I wanted to thank you for stopping me. You were right. I'd have regretted killing Sidonis. It took a few days of introspection, but I'm glad you were there to look out for me, to risk our friendship protecting me from myself." He tightened the grip he had on her as she let out a shuddering sigh.  
"You always have my six, Garrus. I thought it was time you understand that I've got yours too. Even if you don't think you need it."  
"That's the point that I need it most, when I don't think I do." He rubbed his mandible across the silky, black curls on her head enjoying the strange sensation.  
"Any time, Garrus. I'm here if you need me too." She said, and started to pull away. "Hey, I thought you turian bad boys wore your armor constantly."  
"I was just back from a shower, and an idea struck on optimizing the Thanix Cannon's recharge time, I got sidetracked and forgot all about it."  
Shepard laughed hard at that. "You and those calibrations, Garrus, I swear." She absently pecked his mandible and took her leave. "Good night, Garrus."  
"Night, Shepard." He watched her leaving with his fingers unconsciously touching the place she'd pecked.  
"Call me Jay, Garrus, my closest friend's always have." She called back over her shoulder.  
"Maybe I will, as long as we aren't on duty, Jay." Then she was gone, and he headed to bed. A couple days later Garrus found himself telling her the story of his sparring match, and accepting her proposal to hold a tie breaker of their own. He knew that he wanted more than he let on, and he hoped she did too. Then the crew was taken and he learned that he'd never get enough of this woman. After the collectors were destroyed and the Shadow Broker replaced with Liara he found out that she wanted more too.


	2. Home

It was his first night back on the Normandy. He was amazed at how it felt more like home than his own planet, even before the Reapers had started burning Palaven it hadn't been home any longer. Menae had very briefly felt close to that home feeling, but only after she had arrived on the moon where his people had staged the counter strikes against the Reapers. He found himself wandering the companionways and visiting the different sections of the ship. It was late and most crew were bunked down. Only the skeleton night shift remained, and they were all up in the CIC section. Engineering was deserted and the sounds of the core were comforting. The shuttle bay was echoing with Vega's snores and lit by Kei-9's scanner periodically.  
Garrus made his way from these welcome sights to the elevator to head up to Shepard's cabin. She'd given him the invitation to come up any time he wanted, and he wasn't going to turn her down. Even if they did nothing but sit in silence and listen to each other breathe, he wanted to be there in her quarters with her. He'd missed her painfully these last months. She'd only been able to contact him the one time, and it hadn't lasted nearly long enough. He intended to make up for that for as long as they had together.  
When he arrived he didn't even need to knock. The door to her cabin slid open at his approach. Shepard must have left instructions for EDI to let him in. The room was dim and there was soft music playing. He looked around but didn't see Jarris anywhere, then his sharp hearing picked up the sound of rhythmic breathing. Garrus stepped further into the room securing the door behind. He found his Jay sleeping on the sofa. Her face was smooth, no worries there for the moment. He smiled and knelt beside her. He didn't want to wake her, but knew that she'd give him hell if he didn't. Garrus compromised, he figured if he moved her she'd wake in the process, but if not then he'd just settle in with her and hope that kiss earlier was the sign she really did want to continue their relationship.  
Shepard stirred as one of his arms went under her legs and woke further when the other slid under her shoulders, Garrus lifted her to his chest and stood.  
"What are you doing, Garrus?" Came a sleep muddled voice.  
"Putting you to bed, Jay?" He took a moment to touch his forehead to hers.  
"Gallant and sexy, I'm one lucky girl." She nestled closer in his arms and slid hers around his neck. He let out a satisfied purr as her nimble fingers danced over the plates under his fringe, and a sigh when they reached the edges of those plates and caressed his suede-like skin.  
"Keep that up and there won't be any more sleep for a while."  
"That's the plan, Vakarian." She whispered close to his auditory canal, and nibbled on his skin there. His purr turned into a growl as he made it to the bed and lay her down only to slide in over her.  
"Good to know the plan, Jay." Garrus dipped his head for a soft kiss.  
"You're good at that, Garrus, do I want to know who you practiced on?" She was grinning.  
"Turians have a version of kissing, Jay, just not as lip-to-lip as your human kissing. It deals with the mandibles more than the lips, so it wasn't too hard to adapt." He caressed her cheeks with said mandibles. Jarris turned her face slightly to nuzzle just inside his right mandible and let her tongue slip out to taste him there. He gave an audible moan.  
"Wow, you really like that. How did I not notice this before the Collector base, or after it?"  
"We were both nervous those first few times." He stated. "And that is not always pleasurable to turians. I'm sensitive to it though."  
"Right. We can take our time now though. We'll be back at the citadel briefly tomorrow and then headed to the summit. Not a lot to do until we get to Sur'kesh." There was a suggestive tone to her voice that Garrus liked.  
"Good, we have some catching up to do." He dipped his head for a longer kiss and for a while the only sounds they made were filled with passion.  
They lay entwined, breaths slowing after their exertions, lightly stroking skin and plates, just keeping contact with one another. They'd been softly conversing for some time now. Jarris filled him in on her incarceration and apologized for the lack of communication. He told her more about the team that he'd been working with on the Task force.  
They'd fallen quiet a few moments before, when she asked, "you said your father and sister were still on Palaven, what about your mom?"  
His mandibles pulled tight to his face with the, still fresh, pain of grief. Shepard noticed, of course, and read it right. She put a hand to his face. "Garrus, I'm so sorry. How long?"  
"She passed just over three months ago. I got to see her and spend time with her before the end though. I told her about us. It was one of her good days, and she was happy for us. I miss her, Jay."  
"You always will, I miss my parents every day." She hadn't spoken much of the family she'd lost as a child and he had never pried. "I can remember them both, and some of the things they showed me."  
"How old were you when…?"  
"Almost seven. They had gone to a movie or something. Just having a night to themselves, Mom had just found out she was pregnant, so they decided they'd better enjoy a date before the baby came. I overheard her telling that to Gemma, the one who was watching me when it happened. I didn't understand what pregnant was then. It wasn't until years later that I realized I lost three family members that night." He could hear the pain in her voice and slipped his fingers through her hair comfortingly.  
"Mom was in the last stages of Corpalis Syndrome. She had a hard time remembering when and where she was. Some days I was still a child in her mind. Others she…didn't know me at all. It was hard to see her like that, but I'm glad I got to spend time with her before the end."  
"Sounds a lot like Alzheimer's in humans. One of the foster families I stayed with was an older couple, Abe and Leanna. I really thought they might adopt me, but then he was diagnosed with the disease. They still wanted to adopt me, but I was only eleven and with his mind deteriorating, Lea had so much on her plate. They wouldn't send me away, so I left. That's when I ran with the gangs, it was only for survival, but I was ashamed because they'd have been disappointed."  
"I'm sure they'd be proud now. So would your parents. What were their names?"  
"Aiden and Maeve. They had Irish backgrounds. I don't have a clue why they named me Jarris. It is definitely not Irish. What about your mom, what was her name?"  
"Solain. Dad called her Lainy. They named my sister for her, Solana. You'd like her. She's a lot like my mom, one hell of a fighter too. Loves to pick on me. She's older by four years. Dad, well, you know he and I don't get along well. Its been better since I got back to Palaven. I haven't had the guts to tell him about us yet. Though I suppose I should, especially now that I know there still is an us." Shepard shrugged.  
"Not like we're gonna get the chance to visit for a while. If you want to wait I'm okay with it, what ever you decide."  
"If I get to talk with either of them again." His sub-harmonics bled through enough that even Shepard's human hearing understood his worry.  
"You will, believe that until you know otherwise. Don't let the worry win, Garrus." She stroked his mandibles with soft fingers. He leaned into the touch, enjoying the comfort she offered. "Tell me about them?"  
"Sure." He started with the reconciliation with his dad. They'd come to an understanding with one another. Garrus respected his father's position and Daimetrus acknowledged that Garrus wasn't cut from exactly the same cloth, and had to find his own way. He had admitted that he came to the conclusion after Garrus' call to him from Omega. It had sounded very final and he'd had to think about things between them. He'd resolved to let Garrus be his own man, if he ever got the chance to see him again.  
Garrus spoke of the tenacity of his sister and how she'd been the first one to see the signs of the Corpalis in their mother. How she'd taken leave from her job with Cipritine Arms and learned the skills necessary to care for their mother. How she'd been adrift for a while after Solain's death, but had finally returned to the job she'd left, and had even helped out with the Reaper Task Force. He told her stories from his childhood, and how his mother was always the buffer between the two strong willed males in the house when his father was off rotation and home for a visit.  
There were more moments for him to sorrow over the loss of his mother and worry over his missing family members. Jarris told him, then of the different foster families she'd stayed with. She'd told him how she'd met Anderson, at the end of Akuze. How the, then major, had taken interest in her and followed her career until he'd gotten the captaincy on the Normandy and offered her the XO spot. Eventually, she spoke of the few short years she'd spent with her parents, and it was her turn to find comfort in his embrace. She talked until he slept, wrapped around her with his head pillowed between her breasts and then she slept too. For the first time in six months, they both rested peacefully. They both now knew that they were each the others idea of home.


	3. Girl's Night

Garrus Vakarian found himself ushered out of the captain's cabin on the Normandy. Shoved out really, by the good doctor Liara T'soni and Admiral Tali'Zorah vas Rannoch. He was utterly shocked and almost missed Liara telling him he could use her bed that night. He heard giggling behind the bulkhead and shook his head as he entered the elevator.  
Inside the captain's cabin, Liara and Tali had pulled the commander down onto the couch and forbade her finishing her reports. "Shepard, tonight is girls night. The first official, so we are not working though it. I've left the shadow broker's terminals and Tali has left engineering. It's only fair that you leave the galaxy to itself for twelve hours."  
"We have wine, Shepard, and we all need the break." Tali added.  
Shepard sighed, resigned to getting no work done that night. "Okay, what are we doing?"  
"Tonight we are having a movie night with manicures and pedicures and facials for you and I. If we could we'd do a full spa treatment, but we'll make do with what we've got."  
"Shepard, do you have any girly earth movies we could play while we pamper ourselves?" Tali asked.  
"Sure, there's one from the late twentieth century that I carry everywhere. It's a remake of a much older film, but I like this version. It's called Sabrina. It's a romantic comedy."  
"Romance sounds good to me." Liara said wistfully. "What is it about?"  
"Its about a girl that grew up on the outskirts of a very wealthy family. She thinks she is in love with one brother, but falls for the other when her crush is recovering from an injury."  
"Sounds fun. You get that keyed up and I'll set up the soak for our feet." Liara got two tubs out and took them to the bathroom and filled them with warm water and then added some asari oils to the water. She then returned to the couch.  
"Hey where is the tub for me? Soaking our feet is the only part I can participate in." Tali asked.  
"Calm down, one of these is yours. I only have two hands Tali, and I try not to use my biotics for frivolous things I want to get the two of you settled first. I'll get the other in a moment. Section off your suit and get your feet in this tub. You did take the anti-biotics didn't you?"  
"Of course I did." Tali worked on her suit a moment and then slipped the foot pieces off. She then slid her two toed feet into the water. "This feels wonderful, well worth the possibility of a fever."  
"Okay, ladies, vid is ready." Shepard came back to the couch after sliding the large vid-screen into place over the bed. She handed around the wine glasses. It was easy to tell them apart since Tali's dextro wine was a florescent pink. After everyone had their glass, she pulled her socks off and wiped away the fuzz left behind. She then settled her feet into her own tub. Liara got the third ready and joined them. She added a disc to each that caused the water to bubble and fizz. Shepard started the movie when they were all settled. After about fifteen minutes they pulled their feet from the tubs and dried them off. Tali slipped her foot pieces back into place and righted her suit. Liara took Shepard's feet and started in with the rasp to file away any remaining calluses and trimmed the nails then took care of the cuticles. Shepard returned the favor for the younger woman who, though she'd matured exponentially over the last few years, still felt like a little sister to her. Tali was more of an equal since the collector mission and their missions on Rannoch.  
The three women kept an ear on the vid, but were enjoying catching up and just being normal for a little while. During her manicure, Shepard asked Tali about Kal'Reegar.  
"Last I heard he was on his way to Palaven to see if his platoon could help with the fighting there."  
"You two ever get a chance to test the waters?" She asked suggestively.  
"I told you before I don't know what you mean, Shepard." Tali was exasperated.  
"Oh, come on, tall strong and quarian, and he certainly seemed to have an interest in you."  
"Well, he is quite good looking, but we didn't see much of each other while I was with the fleet. I wouldn't mind the chance though."  
"We know you and Garrus are smitten."  
"Well beyond smitten, I think. He's basically moved in here. He even follows the rule I made."  
"What rule is that?" Liara raised a brow.  
"He loses the armor at the door. I'll admit he looks amazing in the armor, but I want to be able to put my arms around him at a moment's notice and feel him, not that cold metal."  
"He fills the armor well though, doesn't he?" Tali said with a giggle.  
"That he does, and the massages, mmhhmm, those fingers of his are magical."  
"And apparently he's good in bed."  
"I'll never tell, but I'll never complain either." They all giggled at that. "What about you Liara, any prospects. Heard from Ferron lately?"  
"Not really, and he's still checking in regularly. We are partners in business, not a couple, Shepard." She sounded a little melancholy and Shepard shook her head in exasperation.  
"Men, no matter what species, can be so thick headed." Shepard said.  
"I agree." Tali threw in. "If someone had searched over a year to find me, and come to my rescue I'd have married them right then."  
"I am not certain what I want from him at this juncture anyway, so perhaps it is best he doesn't know of my interest."  
"Maybe he'll come around." Shepard said and threw an arm around Liara. "So, what's the craziest thing you ever did in childhood?" From there the conversation moved on to the wildest parties they'd attended or the most ridiculous things they'd done and gotten caught at, and they moved onto the facials for Liara and Shepard. All in all it was like most girl's nights or sleepovers that Shepard had ever attended as a young girl before her time on the streets, even with the other participants being non-human, and she marveled at the similarities. Eventually their mani/pedis and facials were done and they'd watched another "chick flick," and she'd explained the term to her companions.  
Their conversation dipped into more adult territory about past boyfriends and first kisses and other important firsts in a teenage girl's life. They marveled at the differences of experience they'd all had. Eventually they fell asleep feeling closer after this session of bonding. Shepard already considered them her closest friends, but now they felt more like sisters to her, and she was glad to have them.


	4. Nightmares

Yeah, so I should mention these will be all helter skelter like, and in no particular order. I actually wrote this first, and was going to hang on to it until I had "all" of the moments done, but they come to me at such random times I decided if I was going to publish anything I should get started, and be damned with the order.

* * *

Things were calm with a wait and see feel to them now that Liara and Brooks were searching through leads from the clues left by the CAT6 mercs that had attacked her. After speaking to the members of her squad, now scattered around the apartment she hadn't properly moved into yet, Jarris Shepard found herself being dragged upstairs by a very determined turian.  
"Garrus, I know you like the outfit, but is this really the best time?" She joked as his hand on her lower back directed her through the master bedroom.  
"Ha ha, Jay, very funny." He deadpanned urging her passed the bed and into the bathroom. He was momentarily distracted by the hot tub. "Though it is tempting." The grin faded as his eyes took in the way she was standing, and the cuts still dripping. "Are you even aware that you still have shards of glass imbedded in your arms, and that they're still bleeding?"  
She glanced down at herself. "Oh, yeah, guess I should take care of those, huh?" He watched her for a moment as she tried to decide where to start.  
"You just hop up onto the counter there, and I'll take care of the rest, Jay." He took hold of her hips to help lift her onto the counter top. Mostly because he couldn't resist touching her every chance he got. He noticed the pinched face as his hands put pressure on her hips as he lifted, and decided that she must have landed on one side or the other when she'd fallen through the fish tank. "Sorry, babe."  
"Not your fault, Garrus." She settled in on the counter and let him poke, prod, pull, and irrigate all the cuts. At last he applied medi-gel to prevent infection and heal her more quickly.  
"All done, lets see the rest of you." He helped her to stand noting the reluctance to put much weight on her right foot. "Landing was a bit rough I take it."  
"Isn't it always?" She asked wryly.  
He made a non-committal sound of acquiescence and turned her around to unzip the dress and reveal any other injuries. He hissed at the massive bruise visible from shoulder to hip on the right side of her body. "Spirits, Jay."  
"Wow, that really looks a lot worse than it is. Only hurts on the jut of my hip, and on my shoulder. That's where I hit hardest I think." She was studying the angry mark in the mirror.  
Garrus sighed and nuzzled her ear because again he couldn't resist. "We'll take care of it, and your ankle too." He smirked at her grimace. "Thought I hadn't noticed, huh?" She shrugged and gave him a rueful grin. He kissed her neck and pulled another pack of medi-gel open. He gently smoothed it along the bruise until the pack was empty. The mark had started to fade, but he applied a second pack for good measure. "Anything else, besides that ankle?"  
"No, well," her eyes sparkled with mischief, but when she spoke again her voice was downright sultry, "my lips are all sorts of tingly. Check them for me?"  
He growled low and traced a blunted talon teasingly along her bottom lip until she gasped sharply. He took the opportunity to capture her lips in a sound kiss and teased her mouth open for a taste of his mate. "Better?" He asked when they parted.  
"Much, much better, too bad we need to get back down to the team." He agreed with her, but he also settled her back on the counter and lifted her ankle for a generous application of medi-gel there too. He noticed her shivering and decided it had little to do with his clinical handling of her foot.  
"You should get changed, Jay. You're still soaked through." He eyed her clingy undergarments appreciatively.  
"I know," she hopped down and retrieved the dress he'd admired. "I hope this isn't ruined." She said shaking it out and hanging it to dry in the shower.  
"I'll buy you a new one if it is." Garrus stated. "You looked amazing in that dress. I kinda like how you look out of it too." He gave her a admiring once over and grinned shamelessly.  
Shepard sauntered saucily, there really was no other description for it, over and pecked his flat nose affectionately. "Glad you like it. I bought it specifically for our date."  
"Oh really, then why were you in it tonight?" He was teasing her and they both knew it.  
"Well, Ryussei's was a classy place, and this is the only dress I own, so…yeah."  
Garrus started chuckling. "I'll definitely buy you a new one then."  
"When you do," she sidled close and slipped her arms around his neck, "can you make sure the color matches these?" She traced his clan markings with a soft finger.  
"If that's what you want." He liked the idea of her in his clan color.  
"That's absolutely what I want." She whispered before kissing him gently.  
"Now, I'm going so you'll get dressed. Then we'll see if Liara has come up with anything."  
"I'll be down in a minute." He left her as she headed to her closet.  
Shepard, in her hoodie, a casual shirt and some jeans, met up with Garrus and the rest of the team in her dining room around the table to see what Liara and Brooks had found. Once plans were cemented to infiltrate the casino they had 14 hours to kill. Some of those hours were spent gearing up the various members of her team. They all hoped they wouldn't need the firepower, but with their track record they weren't chancing being caught unprepared. Each member of the team spent time in her personal armory choosing a load out. If she didn't have a weapon it was added to a list and a small group headed to the Normandy to fill the order. The remaining hours were spent trying to relax and sleeping in shifts. Sleep was hard to come by for most.  
They were all glad of the prep work they'd done as the night wore on. They found themselves breaking into the citadel archives and fighting for Shepard's identity and the Normandy itself. By the time they'd returned the ship to its berth and made statements to the C-sec officers it was past dawn and everyone was exhausted. The group made its way back to the apartment to restock Shepard's armory with the borrowed weapons. "Guys, thanks, couldn't have done it without all of you. I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm beat. Find yourselves a spot and bed down if you want. I have plenty of room for everyone." Most of the group took her up on the offer.  
After some good natured negotiations and a quick meal thanks to Vega and Cortez manning the kitchen, the team members started wandering off to find beds. Wrex was soon crashed and snoring, as only a krogan can, in an obscenely large and equally comfortable beanbag chair that Shepard had bought on a whim and moved into the office/study area a few days ago. Kaidan was snoozing in a recliner in the entertainment den. Garrus sprawled along the sofa nearby, though he wasn't quite asleep yet. Vega had grabbed the suede couch out in the living room near the piano and Cortez was on the bed in her workout room. Javik and Traynor had chosen to return to the Normandy, while Joker was in the upstairs guest bedroom with EDI watching over him. Liara and Tali had commandeered Shepard's mattress and moved it to the entertainment den with the help of Liara's biotics.  
Shepard found herself pulled down on the mattress for a 'slumber party' with the two other girls on the team. They'd had a few of these before on the Normandy. Liara and Tali would banish Garrus from his own quarters so they could have a girls only night. It would never be admitted to aloud, but Shepard had enjoyed the frivolity involved. Not to mention it was interesting to see what other races did on sleep overs. They weren't all that different it turns out. The three of them had played loud music, watched vids or just had a good gab session until they'd fallen asleep. They were more like sisters now than ever before, so Shepard had no trouble settling down on the mattress beside Liara on the side closest to Garrus' head so she could reach up and entwine their fingers together while they wound down with an old movie on the vid screen. Soon all three girls were out and Garrus wasn't far behind them.  
For several hours it was peaceful, the only sounds were that of the movie's menu screen and the occasional snore or murmur from a slumbering crewmember. EDI had taken to patrolling the apartment, checking on the various sleepers. She had successfully draped blankets over several of the team and was in the process of covering Kaidan when she noticed Shepard's hands clenching into fists around her own blanket and her body tensed in her sleep. The observation caused EDI to falter and drop the cover she was placing over the major. He started awake, but quickly realized what she was trying to do. "Oh, thanks EDI." He was just starting to drift back off when he heard Shepard's distinctive voice, making a frantic mewling sound, coming from near his feet. He sat up and lowered the foot rest as Liara and Tali stirred as well. Tali noticed Shepard's fight and woke Garrus quickly.  
The turian stopped Kaidan from waking the commander. "Wait until we know which one we're dealing with. Some of her nightmares are okay to wake her from, but there's one in particular that its better to let her come out of it on her own."  
"You're just going to let her suffer?" Alenko's voice held shock and accusation together.  
"Believe me, I hate every moment of it, but it's better than the alternative." There was a choking gasp from Shepard then and she started to thrash around like she was trying to catch hold of something behind her back. "Ladies, make room." Garrus stated and both the other women vacated the mattress, so he could settle beside their friend. "I'm here, Jay." He murmured, getting as close as possible without actually touching the woman he loved. Her thrashing subsided, but every breath was labored like she had to fight for each lungful of air.  
Tali and Liara had witnessed this once before during one of their girls nights and knew that Garrus had things down to an art when it came to easing their friend out of her night time horrors.  
"I can't just sit by and watch this." Kaidan was deeply troubled by the sounds the commander was making. As his hand moved toward Shepard's shoulder it was intercepted by immovable metallic fingers.  
"Major, this is your only warning. Do not interfere. Garrus has the most experience and the most success when dealing with the commander's nightmares. If you attempt to wake her prematurely, again, I will forcibly remove you from the room." EDI's tone was slightly contrite, but there was a steely firmness the major had not heard before.  
Liara spoke softly, "if you wake her now she has a difficult time reconciling the dream and reality."  
"It's not pretty, Kaidan." Tali continued, Garrus was still whispering and humming soothingly in Shepard's ear. "I made the mistake of waking her once. It ended with a panic attack and Dr. Chakwas sedating her. Even Garrus has never been able to calm her after someone woke her from this dream."  
Kaidan's irritated gaze fell back to the turian lying beside a woman he'd finally realized was only ever going to be his friend. "Okay then, Mr. know-it-all, what could she be dreaming of that is that traumatizing?" There was a sharpness in his tone that brought Garrus' fiercest glare up to meet the Major's antagonism. Kaidan still didn't understand the deep bond that was between the couple on the mattress. He couldn't fathom Shepard, who'd always been tight lipped with him during their short relationship, would ever open up to anyone.  
Garrus' hostile blue eyes met Kaidan's angry brown for a moment as he said simply, "dying." Kaidan flinched and looked away. Shepard's eyes shot open and she shuddered as she fought to breathe through her panic. It sounded to those in the room as though she'd gotten the wind knocked out of her. Finally, she pulled in a breath and started choking. "It's okay, Jay, I'm right here." She reached over and he pulled her to him, "feel my chest, love, breathe with me."  
Shepard continued to fight the aftereffects and panic, so Garrus rolled them until she was splayed along his body her chest pressed to his. "In and out, Jay, just like always. Slow it down, we're okay." He crooned to her. She buried her face in his neck and he knew she was going to be okay. Her entire body started to shake as the sobbing took hold, though it was absolutely silent. The nightmare of her own death was the only thing he'd ever seen reduce her to this state, and he'd be damned if he let her face it alone ever again. "I love you, Jay." He whispered in her ear and the shaking subsided as the brief storm ended. This part never lasted long.  
"Love you too, Garrus." She pulled back enough to caress his mandible with her cheek. "Thank you." Her voice was raw and ragged, and Kaidan caught a glimpse of her haunted eyes and the terror still therein.  
"Jesus, Shepard, I-I'm sorry I ever doubted what you said." He felt like an idiot once again.  
"It's fine." She said, and meant it. Though only because she no longer cared what Kaidan Alenko believed of her. The only opinion that truly mattered to her any longer belonged to the turian still holding her close, and soothing her with a hand stroking her back for both their comfort. "You guys go back to sleep, sorry for waking you. I think I'll go make use of my big tub." She pushed herself up off of Garrus and extended a hand down to him. "Join me?"  
He smirked and let her pull him up. "Yeah, definitely." She gave him that smile that was reserved only for him and he followed her from the room.


	5. Grief

**I.**

Garrus Vakarian, scarred and battle hardened Turian advisor to the Hierarchy on the subject of Reapers, lay before the viewports in the bed watching the slow rise and fall of Commander Jarris Shepard's chest as she clung to him in her sleep. He was propped, half-sitting in her bed and soothingly running his talons through her short hair. He marveled at the silken feel of the dark strands on the longer side of the asymmetrical bob she'd acquired some time during her six month "incarceration" on Earth.

He'd never seen her as more beautiful than when he'd walked up the ramp of that command station on Menae. Well, maybe when she'd charged across that bridge on Omega, newly arisen from the dead, or perhaps the first time he'd beheld her in all her glory beneath him as they strained for completion together. He never could decide. Lately, though she was still beautiful in his eyes, he could see the toll taken by worry and strain brought about by the Reapers and her attempts to bring the galaxy's squabbling races together as a cohesive force.

Today had been the hardest so far. They'd lost Mordin Solus today, in the process of curing the Genophage. He'd seen the look on her face as she'd walked away from speaking with Wrex and Bakara. She'd been fighting the grief of Mordin's loss. Even in the face of the joy that was the cure, and the Salarian's pride at giving his life to correct an atrocity committed by his own people, that loss was overwhelming. She'd kept it together, but only just. He knew she would need time alone to grieve that loss, at least enough to take the edge off so she could attend her duties, and she hated to show any negativity in front of her crew, even him, and he'd been sharing her bed again since their reunion on Menae. He knew also that though she'd grieve just as much for any one of her crew lost, Mordin was special. He was the first _real_ casualty from the teams she'd adopted as her family. The Salarian was something of a crazy, but endearing, uncle-type figure for her, and Garrus knew she'd take this hard.

He'd talked her into retiring to her quarters for some sleep after she'd reported the success of their mission to Admiral Hackett. He had genuinely hoped she'd get some sleep, but he'd also hoped she'd use the time to come to grips with Mordin's sacrifice. It hadn't been much of a surprise when she'd shown up in the cockpit less than two hours after he'd sent her to her cabin. What was surprising was the look in her eyes. She looked haunted, worse than when he'd sent her up, and he'd wondered if she'd used the time for what he'd intended. Apparently, EDI had been worried by her appearance as well, she'd commed him as soon as Shepard returned to her cabin.

He abandoned the main battery immediately knowing his Jay wouldn't stay there long. He was right too, as soon as he'd stepped up to knock on the bulkhead the door opened and she nearly ran into him as she made her way to the elevator. Her head was down, and her thoughts obviously far away. He caught her by the shoulders to steady her. "Hope you don't mind, Shepard, but I wanted a private word."

"Okay, Garrus, what is it?" She let him turn her around and nudge her along in front of him until they reached her couch.

"I want to know how you're doing, really, Jay?" He hoped his use of the nickname he'd taken to calling her in private would let her see he was not here as a member of her crew, but the one who loves her, though neither of them had said the words as of yet. "I sent you up here earlier to get some rest, hoped leaving you alone might give you a chance to process Mordin's loss. I know you don't like showing any negative emotion to the crew, so I stayed away. Then you show up, looking worse than when I urged you up here, less than two hours later. Did you sleep at all?" He took her clammy hand in his, realized he was annoyed that he could barely feel her through the glove and let go to pull both of them off. _She_ took _his_ hand when he'd finished setting them on her coffee table.

"I dozed off here on the couch, as a matter of fact. Can't say I slept well, and after I woke up, I didn't really want to sleep any more. I kinda wish you'd been here. Maybe I'd have gotten back to sleep, I'd have at least tried to." She sighed and rested her head on his shoulder. "I don't like sleeping alone anymore, Garrus. Its easier, when you're beside me, to convince myself the nightmares aren't real."

His brow furrowed and he leaned his head on hers. "Still the first Normandy?" He didn't like mentioning her death directly and they both had started just referring to the ship they'd lost in an attempt to veil the event they didn't want to reference.

"Not so much any more, since Earth there's really just the one." She started telling him without any prompting. "There was a little boy, maybe eight years old. I'd seen him several times, playing in a rooftop park outside my window in Vancouver. I don't know for sure, but I think he might have been an orphan. I never saw any parents or caretakers, just him. He reminded me of myself as a kid." She took a slow breath and sidled closer to him. "Anyway, the day the Reapers hit, I was watching him again when I was summoned to the tribunal that last time." Her fingers were idly caressing his hands for comfort. "After everything went to hell, Anderson and I were making our way through the destruction trying to get to the ship. I saw the boy again, he was hiding in the open ductwork of a building that had taken a Reaper hit. I tried to coax him to me, let me get him to safety, but he wouldn't come. After I boarded the Normandy and Anderson had taken off I saw that same kid. He was making his way to a pair of shuttles that had landed to evacuate survivors. He finally boarded one of them. I was relieved he'd made it okay, but as they lifted off a Reaper beam took out both shuttles." Her hands were clenched tightly around his fingers now.

"There was nothing you could've done, Jay." He stroked her bangs behind an ear.

"I know, well, other than just grabbing him out of that duct, but he was far enough away that I doubt I'd have caught him if I'd tried." She was silent a moment and he waited, knowing there was more. "He appears in my dreams now crying, scared, he runs when I get close, and I chase after him. Then I hear the voices. That first time, after we picked up Liara on Mars, I heard all the crewmen we lost at Alchera with the original Normandy. I couldn't understand what they were all saying, but I knew their voices. Then when I finally catch up to him, he becomes engulfed in flames. That's when I wake up.

"Earlier it was the same, but some of the voices I could understand. Ashley, saying she was with me no matter the plan, Pressley, Mordin. His voice had joined those others; the voices of the dead." She started to shiver and he pulled her legs across his lap stroking her thigh to comfort her.

"I'm sorry I wasn't here, Jay. I thought I was helping by giving you some time in private."

"I appreciate it, Garrus. It _is_ hard to let down the barriers of command in front of crew, but Garrus, you aren't strictly crew anymore. I don't mind you being with me, and I trust you with my weak spots. We're together, and couples help each other deal with things like grief."

"I know, I just, sometimes you like your space when dealing with these emotional issues."

"I'll let you know when I do, need space that is, but with this…Mordin's death. Well, I know you liked him too."

"I did. He was a very interesting man. Brilliant, wacky as all hell, but profound at times, and he cared, genuinely cared about the people he worked with."

"Did you know he sang?" Garrus could hear the smile in her tone.

"I never would have guessed." He was surprised and it showed in his voice.

"He was really good too. He used old Earth show tunes, but changed the lyrics to fit a Salarian." She sighed against his neck. "I'm going to miss him."

Garrus held her closer. "He was unique, I think I'm going to miss him too. He never failed to bring levity into a situation."

"It was even better when he really wasn't trying to. You know, when he was completely serious, but what he was saying was absurd." Garrus could hear the tears in her voice now.

"Yeah, he helped us get together in his own way too."

"I think we'd done a pretty good job on our own, but I'm grateful to him for making the effort. It showed that he cared about us." She buried her face in his neck then and let the tears flow for a while. Garrus ran a hand along her side to comfort her until the storm of emotion abated.

Once she'd calmed somewhat he suggested, "why don't I stay here and we both get some sleep."

"I'd like that. I'd like it more if you just gave in and moved your stuff up here."

"I suppose I can do that. I'm here every night anyway."

"One rule," she grinned as she pulled away to look him in the eye, "lose the armor at the door, Vakarian."

"I think I can manage that, Jay." They then proceeded to remove said armor before retiring to the bed. Both were asleep shortly after.

He was still here, watching her sleep and thinking of those moments, but was started out of his thoughts when she woke against him.

"Hey, thought you were gonna get some sleep too." Her voice was heavy, and not fully awake.

"I did. Haven't been up all that long." His hand fell away as she sat up and rubbed at her face. "You look better, Jay."

"I feel better, thank you, Garrus." She leaned close to touch foreheads.

"Any time, Jay, you know where to find me."

**II.**

Garrus Vakarian was done, absolutely had had enough and couldn't take any more. He'd been watching the woman he loved, for quite some time now, fighting herself on top of carrying the fate of the galaxy on her shoulders, and he was finished being relegated to the sidelines. It had been roughly a week since the attempted coup on the on the Citadel, by none other than Ambassador Udina and Cerberus. Roughly three weeks since they'd cured the Genophage and lost Mordin, and he knew that the loss still weighed on Shepard's mind. They'd lost another of their friends in the coup attempt. Two really, but in vastly different ways. They'd said goodbye to Kaidan, but he was at least safe with Hackett's promotion offer and on his way to join the fighting on Earth. Thane was safe in an entirely different context, and that was the source of Garrus's disquiet with his mate.

Shepard had been working herself relentlessly ever since visiting the Drell on his deathbed. When he'd tried to comfort her she'd said she needed time to figure this out on her own, but she'd let him know if she needed him. He'd given her time, and she was obviously not making any progress figuring this out. She was not sleeping more than about an hour at a time and then only rarely actually getting to sleep. She'd been short with several members of the crew and those who knew her well were worried about her. Liara and Dr. Chakwas had petitioned him to speak with her. He'd tried but she'd begged him for just a little more time. He had reluctantly agreed, but for two days now he was certain she'd been actively avoiding him. Today he'd decided that confrontation was going to be the only solution to the situation.

It was sheer luck that she was down in the cargo bay working out when he'd asked EDI for Shepard's location. Garrus stepped off the elevator and approached Vega and Cortez who stood with a number of other crewmembers, watching as the commander pummeled a punching bag that Vega had rigged up for workouts.

"Gentlemen, clear the room," he said softly trying to prevent her noticing him. Regardless of the volume, though, his order brooked no argument. "EDI, until I say otherwise, kill surveillance in the shuttle bay. You can monitor, just in case I get my ass in a jam here, but no video or audio recordings and no one else on the crew needs access, including Joker." He took her silence as acquiescence as he stripped from his armor leaving just the skin tight suit most typically worn beneath.

He then approached Shepard's tiring form. "Jay?"

She didn't startle or spin to him but she did stop punishing the inert bag of sand. "I know, Garrus, and I'm trying to work it out. I'm just so angry. That's why I've been avoiding you." She offered the explanation to his least important question.

"What are you angry at, Jay? Thane, the assassin, or the universe in general? Talk to me, Jay." He caught hold of her hands when she turned, though she didn't move to strike and was in an 'at rest' stance.

"At myself," her voice dropped, and she moved forward to rest her forehead on his plated chest as though unable or unwilling to meet his gaze, "at you, and at Thane."

"Why?" He knew that there had to be something other than the Drell's death at work here.

"He loved me. He told me that before the Collector base. He loved me and I didn't, couldn't, love him back. Not the way he wanted because-" He finished for her.

"You were already in love with me." She nodded against him and he pulled her close as the tears started again, as they had so many times this last week. Times that Garrus knew nothing about. "Jay, I'm so sorry." His arms tightened unconsciously.

"Why is everything so unfair, Garrus? All he wanted was a little happiness, comfort, love in his last days. Why couldn't I give him that little bit?" She held just as tightly to him her face now buried down in the soft skin of his throat.

"Jarris, love, you did give that to him. Whether you loved him as he hoped or not, you did give him all that and more. Thane thought very highly of you for reuniting him with Kolyat. You gave him back his son, Jay. He new you cared for him, his well being. Do you think he left this life angry with you?" His hand moved to run his fingers through her hair.

"No," she held tighter, "his last act was a prayer for me to find salvation, comfort and love. A prayer to be at peace."

"Then, Jay, honor his wish for you. Let go of the guilt over not being able to control who you love, something that none of us have any control over. It was enough for him that you were a true friend to him, that you didn't judge him for his past, but for his actions as part of your team." He pushed her away enough to look into the stormy grey eyes. "He knew you thought of him as family, and he was content."

"You think so, I never said so."

"Babe, the kind of man he was, he knew. I'm just guessing here, but he probably told you he loved you before we started our cross-species liaison planning."

"Yeah, yeah, he did. I hadn't talked to you yet, but I already knew I loved you. I think that's why it hurt so much when Kaidan said those things on Horizon. I was already falling for you, before even then. When you were hurt on Omega, I realized that what I was feeling was too intense for just a friend or comrade. I thought about it for a long time, Garrus. Kaidan was my last attempt at that closer to home you mentioned, my way of denying how attracted I was since we met."

"Thank the spirits for that. I thought I was the only one that did something stupid to convince myself I was deluded."

"I'm glad we both got over it."

"Me too." He pulled her in tight for a long hug. "Better?" He asked when they parted.

"Yeah, I think I am. Why do I keep trying to figure things out on my own? It's more than clear you are what I need to see me through this."

"You wouldn't be you if you weren't the most stubborn woman in existence." She poked him in a soft spot between his plates. "Hey," he was indignant now, but finished with his unique turian grin. "Jay, I love the stubborn woman that you are, you know that right."

"I do. What would I do without you, Garrus?" She rested her head back on his chest and sighed in content, and somewhere, on another plane, the spirit of Thane was content for her and thanked Kalahira for granting his prayer.

**III.**

Garrus was waiting beside the shuttle, watching Jarris Shepard speak with Tali over near the cliff's edge. He was looking for that sign that he'd seen twice before in recent weeks, that hitch to her step or the pinched look around her eyes that she was fighting her grief. Legion was not like the rest of their friends. He'd always been a mystery, but he'd endeared himself to Shepard.

He'd been the voice of the Geth, he'd shown them the origins of this war, and it was stupid. That much he and Jarris agreed on. Legion never had explained why he'd used Shepard's own armor to repair himself, but Garrus liked to think it was because the Geth had respected her. Garrus watched as Shepard stood and helped Tali to her feet. The Prime units had already taken away the empty platform that had been Legion, and he was grateful for that. "Tali's coming with us, we need to detour to her ship so she can grab some gear, but lets head home." Shepard said as the two of them walked up where Garrus was waiting. He nodded and they headed out.

For a wonder Garrus was first to their quarters that night. Shepard had spent a long time closeted in with Hackett and Anderson, and Garrus had finished his shift in the battery. She found him in the shower when, finally, she let herself into the room. She grinned and stripped, locking the door to their quarters, then stepped into the bathroom and sidled up behind him slipping her arms around him and resting her face against the smooth plates covering his back. "I hope that's you, Jay."

"Why you got a girlfriend other than me that comes up here to shower with you?"

"Well, no, but you never know sometimes on this ship. Do you know how many times Jack tried to ambush me in the shower when she first came on board."

"Ugh, no and I don't want to." He grinned at the distaste in her tone.

"How are you doing?" He knew she'd know what he was referencing.

Shepard slipped around him pushing him out of the spray so she could get her hair wet. "I'm actually okay, I think. I mean, it hurts, but I'm dealing with it. Legion gave up all he had become so that the rest of the Geth could be like him. I admire that, hm, selflessness. I don't think I have that in me."

"I think I'm glad that you don't, Jay." He grabbed her shampoo and set about lathering her hair. She moaned at the massage he was giving her.

"Feels good, Garrus." She leaned against him while he pampered her. She knew it was something he enjoyed doing. "It isn't any easier than Thane or Mordin, but it's different. It isn't fair to either Mordin or Thane, but it feels like Legion gave his life for something truly worthy of that high a price. I respect Legion for his choice to give his life so that his people would be truly alive. It helps that the Geth will honor him. I doubt the Dalatrass will allow Mordin to be honored and no one besides us and maybe the Salarian councilor will honor Thane."

"They deserve better, don't they?" He let her soap him down and use the special brush to get the gaps between all his plates clean.

"They do, and if we make it through this I plan to honor them. I think a small monument on each of their worlds. I'd like to see the Dalatrass' face when she has to walk passed the man who defied her for the rest of her days." She was grinning evilly.

"Jay, you are not going to do that." He put the brush back in it's place and grabbed her soap and a cloth to help him along.

"Well, no, but its fun to think about it. I am adding their names to the memorial wall though. I think it will help with all of it, and they deserve a place there."

"I agree." He reached behind her to shut off the water. Then wrapped her in a towel. "I think we should have a memorial for all our lost friends and crew after this is all done." Jarris tilted her head up to give him a grateful kiss.

"That is a good idea, it will give all of us closure." She was helping him to dry off as well, and soon they were spooned in the bed. Garrus wrapped himself as far around her as he could. They'd make it through this war, and they'd say goodbye to their friends properly then.


End file.
